My eighteen totally accurate and serious 2016 election predictions:
1-Clinton names Obama her V.P. and sweeps the primaries. Bernie accepts his defeat with grace and dignity, then partners with Elon Musk to start a socialist utopia on Mars. Clinton beats Trump/Palin in the general election in a landslide not seen since Walter Mondale.
2-Trump pulls off his mask and reveals that he was Andy Kaufman all along. Someone trips and spills a small amount of water on Sarah Palin and she melts into a puddle, screaming about Andrew Sullivan and the lame stream media until the end.
3-During her inaugural speech, Hillary reveals it was all a ruse to get Obama a third term and resigns on the spot. Obama never even packed and takes back his seat in the Oval Office. Tea Party members stage mass suicides across the country in Jim Jones style Kool-Aid drinking contests. GOP collapses as its leaders are deported to Somalia on the same boats being used to flood America with unvetted Syrian refugees.
4-Cliven Bundy weeps a single tear as Obama confiscates the nation’s guns and turns them over to his homosexual shock troops who swarm over the land, forcing Evangelicals into same sex marriages and to sign up for Obamacare at the point of their own stolen assault rifles.
5-Global warming is revealed to be a plot to give all our oil to China, which immediately annexes Taiwan, South Korea, Japan, Vietnam, and the Philippines and tells Hawaii to learn Mandarin by the end of the year. Alaska is sold back to Russia for six liters of vodka and one of those nesting dolls.
6-Living outside of major cities is outlawed. All rural residents are given six months to move into one of fifty reeducation camps across the country constructed as identical copies of Austin Texas or Portland Oregon. Dissent is punished through waterboarding with leftover Sunday brunch mimosas or Clockwork Orange style strapped-down binge-watching of The Big Bang Theory.
7-Christianity is banned, replaced by a citizen’s choice to join either Islam or Pastafarianism. Christian holdouts are rounded up and executed by being strapped to the tires of Monster trucks during televised rallies.
8-NASCAR is reformed to use only Chevy Volts or Toyota Priuses running on electric only, and charged via wind turbines. Pit stops go from an average of ten seconds to ten hours.
9-Hard drugs are given the right to vote.
10-Abortion becomes mandatory except in cases of interracial dating.
11-ACORN is revived and put in charge of the Medicare Death Panels.
12-CEO’s of every Fortune 500 company are replaced with illegal immigrants hired in front of Home Depot.
13-ISIS fills all Cabinet Level positions.
14-Beef is declared a Schedule I narcotic by the DEA.
15-Planned Parenthood is put in charge of reforming the nation’s public schools.
16-The NFL is required to pull 75% of its draft class from the WNBA.
17-Ted Nugent is assassinated by vegan radicals.
18-And we’re STILL better off than if any Republican candidate had gotten elected.