Economy Crashes As Star Wars Gets All The Money

star-wars-force-awakens-official-poster

The U.S. economy was sent into a tailspin over the weekend as Star War: The Force Awakens soaked up every last dollar of available cash and credit in the country, thanks to millions of rabid fans racing to see the movie again and again.

Signs of problems first arose Thursday as several regional banks announced their currency reserves had run dry. But the full scale of the problem didn’t become apparent until Friday morning when literally every last stock in the Dow and S&P 500 were sold in a mad dash to free up capital to buy tickets for weekend showings.

In response to the crisis Monday, the Treasury Department approved an emergency measure that authorized nearly a trillion dollars of quantitative easing to inject fresh cash into the suddenly moribund economic system. But as of Tuesday morning, 93% of that infusion has been spent on Star Wars showings that are now sold out on every available screen and show time until well into the 2030’s.

Much of the rest of the world woke up to a similar reality as the crisis spread across borders, toppling both markets and governments with a speed and efficiency not seen since the Great Depression. Only China, where the film doesn’t open until January 9th, remains a relative island of stability. But the Communist government anticipates that the later premier is only delaying the inevitable.

Meanwhile at the one place that isn’t struggling with cash flow problems,  Walt Disney Corporation, panicked managers have been handing out multi-million dollar Christmas bonuses to all employees with express instructions to go out and spend the money on something, anything to get the economy moving again. But even this desperate plan has been met with unexpected problems.

“It’s the tie-in marketing,” Bob Iger , CEO of Disney said in a phone interview. “We achieved 100% market saturation for the first time in history. There is literally nothing available for people to buy that isn’t Star Wars branded in some way. Fuck, I couldn’t even buy a bag of oranges today without BB-8 plastered all over them. The money’s coming back in here just as fast as it’s being spent. It’s a revolving door!”

Already, several major American cities have fallen back to a system of trade and barter to keep goods and services moving during the crisis. What little available cash is still in circulation has been termed “Republic Credits,” and has experienced explosive deflation, with each credit trading for between five and seven thousand dollars in pre-crisis value. Second only to credits in worth are original, in box Star Wars action figures, and any merchandizing featuring Rey, the female, force-sensitive hero of the new movie which Hasbro inexplicably failed to stock store shelves with during the holiday rush.

“The Star Wars legend has grown into the very evil empire our childhood heroes had rose up to defeat,” Bob Iger said. “May the Force forgive us.”

Leave a comment