$300 Million Earmarked to Educate Scott Walker

WI Governor Scott Walker transfixed by a small blinking light

Madison, WI

In an unprecedented move Wednesday morning, the Wisconsin State Legislature approved a $300 million emergency spending bill to educate Governor Scott Walker.

Citing Governor Walker’s history of cutting the state’s education budget by $1.2 billion and his support for drug-testing welfare recipients even after such programs were shown to be failures in Florida, Tennessee, and Utah, the bill’s supporters are hoping the program will move governance back onto more solid footing and jump start the state’s faltering economy.

“Look, Act 10 was one thing. Most of us just thought he was screwing around trying to rally the base or whatever. Gutting public sector unions was all in good fun. We kinda went along for the ride on that one,” claimed Senate Majority Leader Scott L. Fitzgerald (R – Juneau ) “But then things just kept coming. Turning down the High Speed Rail money. Killing the wind farm project. The kicker for me was refusing the Medicaid expansion. We gave up hundreds of millions of dollars on that one while running a deficit. That’s when we all started to wonder if maybe he just didn’t know any better.”

A tipping point was reached for many during the Governor’s recent trade mission to Great Britain. When asked by a member of the British press about the theory of evolution, Governor Walker was unable to provide an answer. “Who fumbles the evolution question these days?” asked Fitzgerald. “You either say ‘I believe in evolution’ or you say ‘I’m no scientist’ and give the camera a little wink to let the Bible thumpers know you’re throwing them a bone. This is first-semester poli-sci stuff. How can you be running for President and not have any answer?”

Senate Minority Leader Jennifer Shilling (D- La Crosse) expects the bipartisan bill to be signed by Walker himself later this afternoon in the usual manner of slipping it among the Governor’s growing stack of travel expense reports.

“He won’t even notice. Short term, it’s not going to do our projected $2 billion state budget shortfall any favors,” Shilling said of the emergency measure. “But what choice do we have, really? The deficit is exploding and he’s still trying to pass more tax cuts. The man is a menace in his current condition.”

When pressed about the spiraling cost of the bill, Shilling directed us to the Dean of UW Madison’s School of Education, Julie Underwood. “$300 million is certainly a lot, but after several weeks of evaluations, it is our best estimate to provide for this student’s special needs, so long as we can get it in before his new budget cuts take effect.”

“At first, we thought it would be a simple matter of picking up where Governor Walker left off after he dropped out of Marquette. Unfortunately, the… gaps in his knowledge proved larger than anyone feared. We have to go all the way back to kindergarten, but we hope to cover his grade school courses Billy Madison style in less than three months.”

Asked about the cost of educating the Wisconsin electorate, who has willingly elected Walker three times in five years, Underwood was less enthusiastic. “Oh God, that would bankrupt the entire country. Let’s just focus on the Governor for now and hope it does the trick.”